Category Archives: Uncategorized

Life Lessons From the Road

Posted on by
8

I often see things more clearly from the road—when I’m travelling or away from home. It gives me perspective and helps me better appreciate what I have. I seem to be more intuitive and better able to listen. And my recent trip was no exception.

My wife Deborah and I drove East along the Northern shore of the St. Lawrence river last week to see the whales, something she has always wanted to do. From Ottawa, it is about an 800 km. journey through Montreal and Quebec City, and then through the hills to the mouth of the Saguenay river which runs into the St. Lawrence. Whales, dolphins, and other marine life make the annual trip from the warm waters of the Carribean to feed on a huge buffet of krill.

Even before I left, that intuitiveness began to kick in. I am not mechanically inclined, but as I was leaving to meet my wife in Montreal, something told me that my brakes were not quite right. And I listened. Turns out the front brakes were shot and had to be replaced.

Two hours later, I arrived in Montreal. I picked up Deborah, and we made our way around the city, on our way to Quebec city. There was heavy traffic and lots of distractions. We came to a major fork in the road, and suddenly I realized I was in the wrong lane. I made a stupid, split-second decision to stop and switch to the right lane. A huge tractor trailer was barreling up behind me, and the right lane was thick with cars whizzing by. I managed to somehow just get out of the way of the tractor trailer, and into the right lane between cars. There was perhaps a two second window for me to make the move without causing a serious crash. I pissed off a few drivers, but I just made it. There was no time to think, just act. And I did. But that little maneuver had nothing to do with me. I know that something intervened.

I had not made any reservations anywhere, and really had no idea where we would end up and when. Deborah loves this kind of spontaneous trip, but this is something I usually have a really hard time with. I am a planner, and I always like to know where I’m going. It was very unsettling, but I did it anyway. I trusted that things would work out OK. There is a freedom in the not knowing, but it takes awhile to not be so afraid of it. And here’s how the accomodation part played out…

We came upon a beautiful little hotel in the heart of Quebec City, and they just happened to have one room left. We would never have found it if everything had been completely planned out. On the second day, we drove beyond the usual whale watching destination (Tadoussac) to the middle of nowhere. But we had heard that there was a gorgeous little campsite, right on the river. They were full, but we had chatted a little earlier with a very nice woman who just happened to be related to someone who ran the campsite. She phoned ahead, and somehow got a spot for us. We pulled in, checked with the person in charge, and wandered over to our site, which opened up through the trees to a small clearing. It was completely isolated from the rest of the site, overlooking the river. And by some miracle (of not planning), we had this little spot all to ourselves.

As we looked out over the river, a whale broke the surface of the water, and we heard the ‘whoosh’ as he cleared out his blowhole. And then another. This went on for hours, and then into the night. These magnificent creatures—so graceful, elegant, and majestic—and there we were somehow with them. There was something very peaceful about the experience. I felt very small in the overall scheme of things, yet somehow connected to something much, much bigger. Nature has a way of doing that.

The next day we went out in a small zodiac to get even closer to them. There were whales, dolphins, and seals all around us at times, coming to the surface, diving back down, gracefully doing what they were meant to do. Just being themselves, as nature intended, and allowing us the occasional glimpse into their world. Whales don’t know how to be be anything other than whales. I wondered what it might be like if I could be the same way. Just being who I am, without all the other things that I allow to get in the way.

We headed for home the following day, stopping in Montreal to visit with her family on the way home. I have trouble with this when traveling because I just want to get to where I’m going. But I surrendered. Well sort of, for a couple of hours. After visiting with her brother, John, she went to visit her aunt while I went looking for a bookstore with John. I had no idea where we were going and became agitated (once again) as we looked around for a bookstore. And then I thought to myself, who cares about the bookstore, and tried to just enjoy the drive with him. I began to let go of the burning need for a destination. We never found the bookstore, but by then it really didn’t seem to matter.

Leaving Montreal we drove through some very unsettled weather. I was anxious—my default state. And I knew it. But this time I tried to just allow the anxiety to happen instead of fighting it. And Deborah gave me some room. And then it passed.

As we neared home, there was a massive dark cloud on the left, and clear skies on the right. Yin and yan like as my wife put it.  And we drove right through the heart of it, together, as the rays of the sun pierced the clouds, an awesome light display of nature’s finest. A metaphor in some way for our marriage perhaps.

Lately I have been somewhat negative about our marriage, focussing more on the struggles and difficulties, and less on the good stuff. Deborah asked me to think a little more carefully about my words. She asked me to just try to enjoy our time together, like we did before we were married. I chose to listen instead of resist. And I remembered what a cool and joyful person she is. She gives me a soft place to land. I think it will be better now.

She also pointed out aspects of my personality that I have never been able to recognize in myself. I spread joy to those around me, apparently. I don’t see it, but I will take her word for it. And I am grateful to have a partner who cares enough, and is interested enough to help me see what I am unable to see in myself. Perhaps therein lies the potential magic of relationships…they allow you to see who you are, who you can be, and they give you the opportunity to work out the issues that are holding you back.

Over the last few days on the road I have been able to practice what I have read and written so much about over the last year or two. I’m not sure that practice will make perfect, but it definitely moves me closer towards the person I want to become.

The road reminds me of how little I really control in the big picture, and how exhausting the need to control can be.

It gives me perspective, as it always does, helping me to appreciate what I have. It reminds me how important it is to be in the moment. It reminds me that once I have set my intention, to let the universe work out the details and to have faith that things will work out somehow. It reminds of the extreme importance of attitude and gratitude.

And the road reminds me, yet again, that there are massive, unknown forces at work out there that are conspiring to help me. “The mysterious guidance that comes when we surrender,” as Anda so eloquently commented below.

I just need to get out of the way and let them work their magic.

Violence: When Will We Decide That Enough is Enough?

Posted on by
7

In the wake of these recent individual violent acts in the US, I keep wondering about what it is that makes these people do what they do. What is making them so angry? And it’s not just a US phenomenon. There are examples everywhere.

And it’s not just the individual. Our frame of reference is a world that is constantly bickering and competing. One where countries are always at war with each other. Where individual acts of terrorism seem like the norm, and where the decisions and actions of the few dictate the parameters in which the vast majority of us live our lives.

I don’t have the answers but I do know that it is a symptom of profound anger, unhappiness, and disconnectedness. It is a symptom of a very sick and fearful society. One that has lost its way.

Why do we continue to choose hurt over healing? Why do we not opt for creation, cooperation, and peace over destruction and aggression? These are not new questions, but we keep doing and allowing the same things over and over, expecting a different result (Einstein’s definition of insanity).

How often will it have to happen before we look honestly at the root causes, and decide collectively that we don’t want to live this way? Once a month? Once a week?

Or will it be when enough of us have been more closely impacted by these acts of violence? Or will it be when we have all simply wiped each other out?

What a blunt and primitive species we are. And we know better.

Surely we have all seen enough–lived enough–to know that violence does not work.  We have thousands of years of history that proves it. And we must know by now that it is getting us absolutely nowhere.

Aren’t we all getting just a little tired of this?

I just came across this timely piece by Richard Rohr. Substitute your own beliefs or words, but the overiding message is clear and universal.

“If  the self doesn’t find some way to connect radically with Being, it will live in anxiety and insecurity. The false self is inherently insecure. It’s intrinsically fragile, grasping for significance. That’s precisely because it is insignificant! So it grabs at things like badges and uniforms and titles and hats and flags (and I would add: GUNS) to give itself importance and power. People talk about dying for the flag of their country. They don’t realize that the Bible would definitely call that idolatry. What were you before you were an American? Will you be an American in heaven? Most of us don’t know how to answer those questions without a spiritual journey and an inner prayer life.

In prayer you will discover who you were before you were male, before you were  female, before you were black, before you were white, before you were straight, before you were gay, before you were Lutheran, Mormon, or Amish.

Have you ever lived there? At that naked place, you will have very little to defend, fight about, compete with, overcome, hate, or fear. You are then living in the Reign  of God, or what Buddha calls the Great Compassion.

Violence is unneeded and undesired.”

 

 

 

 

 

Letting Go (part 2)

Posted on by
9

Since I posted the piece about my son being out in he world earlier this week, this idea of letting go has been swirling around in my head. Not just letting go of him, but everything that holds me back, that does not serve me.

Letting go of my need to know. Letting go of my need to control. Letting go of my attachment to outcome. Letting go of years of accumulated pain.

Once I really start poking around, I realize that I try to maintain an iron grip on many things. I’ve been doing it all my life, so I’ve become very good at it. And you know what else? It’s really freaking exhausting!

And as so often happens, the wisdom comes, if I am open and paying attention. Here are a few nuggets that have come my way in the last few days. Precisely when I need it.

Eckhart Tolle believes we create and maintain problems because they give us a sense of identity.

Thomas Merton says that we spend our whole life climbing up the ladder of supposed success, and when we get to the top of the  ladder we realize it is leaning against the wrong wall—and there is nothing at the top. To get back to the place of inherent abundance, you have to let go of all of the false agendas, unreal goals, and passing self-images. The spiritual life is more about unlearning than learning, because the deepest you already knows.

Then this from Richard Rohr.

“To let go of something is to admit it. You have to own it. Letting go is different than turning it against yourself; different than projecting it onto others. Letting go means that the denied, repressed, rejected parts of yourself, which are nonetheless true, are seen for what they are; but you refuse to turn them against yourself or against others. You refuse to let any negative storyline or self-serving agenda define your life.

This is a very, very different way of living; it implies that you see your mistakes, your dark side, but you do not identify with either your superiority or your inferiority.

You are a conduit, and your only job is not to stop the flow. What comes around will also go around. The art of letting go is really the secret of happiness and freedom.”

Neil Donald Walsch says you must be willing to lose it all before you can have it all. What does this mean? It means that until you can let go of everything, you will find it hard to hold onto anything. Detachment is the key.

And this meditation mantra from Deepak Chopra: “I forgive; I release; I let go of anything and anyone that keeps me from my highest good.”

And finally this from Lao Tzu…which says so much in very few words: “When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be.”

Thanks for the wisdom and inspiration. Time now to practice. Time to let go and make room for something new.

Learning to Let Go: My Son is Out in the World Now

Posted on by
3

Our son Ben recently graduated from high school, and is heading out into the world today. Panama then Paris for almost a month.  He is with his girlfriend Nathalie and her parents for the Panama part of it, then he will be only with her for the Paris part. He is 17 going on 30 in some ways. In other ways, my wife and I think he is going on 14. Not really, but sort of because we realize that there is so much for him to learn. The world is a wonderful, but scary place. And he’s just a kid. How will he survive out there on his own in the big bad world without us?

We have spent the past several weeks helping him prepare. Making sure he has everything he could possibly need, and that he has thought through every possible scenario. Drilling into him all the tips and life experiences we can think of. Preparing him for every possible “what if” scenario.

I won’t lie. I am anxious and worried—my default state. I know…this is wasted energy, but I can’t help it. That’s what parents do. And yet, now that he has gone this uneasiness is subsiding. Not exactly peaceful, but certainly not as intense as it was leading up to his departure. A little more settled now.

The truth is, we have been helping him prepare for this moment his whole life. We have taught him everything we know. Given him all the tools we can think of. We have guided him as best we can. And he has taken all these life experiences and evolved into a unique and interesting young man. Ready to take his show on the road. Capable of meeting the challenges that will come his way. It’s up to Ben now.

He may not approach life the way I have, but that might not be such a bad thing. Most of my life has been lived in fear of what’s out there. At 48 I’m only starting to break free of that prison.

He will surely stumble. He will surely fall. Just as we all do. But that’s what life is all about. I need to trust that he will somehow figure things out and find his way, just as we all do.

I am learning that the only way he will create his story, is for us to let him go.

And perhaps in the letting go, there will be peace.

Link

My son Ben showed me this music video yesterday by Hopsin. Although I’m not really a big rap fan, I watched it with great interest. How refreshing to hear someone NOT rapping about things that do NOT serve its listeners–drugs, rage, violence, hopelessness, rape, destruction, guns, retribution, etc.

Rather than glorifying these things that have such a negative impact, especially on young fertile minds, he raps about what is WRONG with them. How refreshing to hear someone calling out all those who reinforce, propagate, and encourage those things that lead to nowhere, exposing negativity as the unhelpful and self-perpetuating cycle it is. He exposes this way of life for the lie that it is.

And I was struck by my son’s insight and maturity in how he presented it to me, saying that everything that Hopsin raises in the song represents what he hates most about his generation. I am very proud of him.

There is a better, more unifying way. And the more people shine a light on that, the less power the dark side will have.

I will close here…the video says it all. I would be very interested in your comments.

Birthday “Presence”

Aside

This “in the moment” theme has come up a lot lately. Like someone out there is really trying to tell me something. I have written a lot about it in theory, but the practice part certainly needs work. That’s why events of this past weekend were meaningful. There was a shift.

This weekend was my wife Deborah and sister in law Lori’s birthday. So I decided to just go with it. Actually I didn’t really decide. I just did it. And that’s the curious part…it just happened.

Deborah wanted to do a few things, and then go on to her sister’s neighbourhood BBQ. Normally I’d be trying to influence the course of events. Some might call it control. But not on this day.

First stop was the leather store for my wife to get supplies for her purse making. I just sat in the car and did nothing. Normally I’d be climbing the walls.

Second stop was the pharmacy where they were having some sort of make-up event. Not only did I take here there, I went in with her and actually participated. Well not the make-up part, but I had a few snacks, got a henna tattoo, and watched the event unfold. Not another guy in sight! I somehow resisted the urge that there was somewhere else I had to be.

Third stop was the BBQ. Mostly people I had never met. Normally this would be anxiety inducing for me. But this time I didn’t feel I had to talk to anyone. I didn’t feel I had to introduce myself or make an impression. I didn’t feel I really had to do anything. My mind wasn’t racing with thoughts of the past. Nor was it pre-occupied with figuring out next steps. So I just watched, and listened. And kept my mind blank. I was happy just to be.

What the hell is going on here?

Deborah is really good at going with the flow…perhaps some of that is rubbing off. And perhaps all the theory is somehow starting to translate into practice. I hope it’s here to stay. I do feel at some level that there is so much for me to learn and enjoy from being present. That must be why I keep getting these universal reminders–sort of like sticky notes for my soul.

Then I came across this piece by Richard Rohr. Another message. And definitely a sign that I should keep it up:

“The word “Buddha”  means “I am awake.” To be awake is to be fully conscious. The Buddhists sometimes call it “object-less consciousness”; I might  just call it “undefended knowing.” It is a consciousness where we are not conscious of anything in particular but everything in general. It is a panoramic receptive awareness—whereby you take in all that the moment offers  without eliminating anything or attaching to anything. You just watch it pass.

This does not come naturally to us, surely not in our  culture. We have to work at it. All forms of meditation and contemplation teach  some form of compartmentalizing or limiting the control of the mental ego—or  what some call the “monkey mind,” which just keeps jumping from observation to observation, distraction to distraction, feeling to feeling, commentary to commentary. Most of this mental action means very little and is actually the opposite of consciousness. In fact, it is unconsciousness. It is even foolish to call it “thinking” at all, although educated people tend to think their self-referential commentaries are  high-level thinking.”

Finding Peace

Posted on by
4

If you ask me to boil down everything I desire into one statement, I would say without a doubt that finding peace is it. Seems to me that everything else would take care of itself if I had a peaceful head and heart. A peaceful being. 

I have been thinking alot about this lately, and was inspired by a line I read about a week ago in Thomas Ross’ blog Only Here Only Now…and it’s been rolling around in my head ever since.

“The peace is there always.  We need only the strength to receive it.”

What a revelationt! It’s ALWAYS there! There is reassurance in simply knowing it’s there, even though I may not experience it as much as I would like. But how can I uncover it, or find the strength to receive it?

Every person you ask would likely have a different path to peace, and there is no end to the self-help advice and tips out there to help you find it. But for me, I think it comes down to our earthly concept of time–past, future, and present.

If I can finally accept my past, and not allow it to govern who I am now, or who I will be tomorrow.

If I can allow myself not to worry about the future, to not waste energy on that which I cannot control.

If I can focus on being here, now–present, engaged, and in the moment.

Then peace will be mine.

Darkest Before Dawn

Posted on by
3

“The way ahead is cold and bleak. As far as the eye can see, there is cloud and threat of storm. The trees, barren and black, offer no promise of spring. You find yourself alone on the road, with no solace from anyone.

You sense that you have no choice but to keep moving. Yet as you walk, you find the bleakness becomes bearable by your courage, the way is made passable by your presence, the ground is blessed by your passing.

You find yourself bewildered by what is happening. Would it help to know that your heart is the coal, burning to ashen ember, that will be used to rekindle the fire? That this new flame will bring warmth to your life and light to your world?”–Austin Repath (Pilgrim Cards)

I know this start off feeling bleak, but in reality (mine anyway), it is not always joy and light. So many texts and quotes focus only on this part, but say little of what it takes to get there. I experience dark, so that I can experience and appreciate light. Always darkest before dawn as the saying goes.

My wife loves this deck of Pilgrim Cards created by Austin Repath, and occasionally we pick from the deck together. Something profound and timely always seems to emerge.

The Law of Attraction

Posted on by
10

Like attracts like. Essentially, the energy you transmit will attract that same type of energy towards you. Your thoughts will manifest according to, and in line with whatever you put out there. It’s happening whether we are consciously aware of it or not. (Esther and Jerry Hicks have done alot of work on this topic…thanks to Lisa for this @LadyAstoria for this link).

So if you think you lack something, then that is exactly what will happen–you will lack. If you expect abundance, then you will have that.

I get it, and believe that there are some very powerful universal forces at work here. Thoughts become intentions, and intentions become my reality. If I look back on some of the big events in my life–career, relationships, etc–I see quite clearly how my thoughts have affected the outcome.

So if I am thinking in a way that is not what I truly desire–that is not serving me–then I should think and behave as if I am operating from a place that is positive, that is serving me. This is the part I have trouble with.

My thoughts just happen. And my emotions just happen (whether I allow myself to experience them or not–a whole other topic!). So how do–in practical terms–interrupt or prevent a thought that is not serving me, that is not in my best interest, and replace it with one that is? If I feel anxious, upset, or angry about something, how do I not feel that, and not put out that energy? If I think I lack something, how do swap that with thoughts of abundance, when the day to day reality of that “lack” situation says otherwise?

Perhaps it not so much a question of not allowing a negative thought or feeling, but rather learning to recognize when they are occuring, and gently but methodically replacing them with those that are more beneficial.

Another one of those “easier said than done” situations, but I know there are many who can do this.

I am sending it out there. Any “thoughts?”

Why Worry?

Posted on by
4

All the negative thoughts and emotions associated with trying anticipate the outcomes of an issue–real or imagined. Which leads to anxiety about something which I cannot control. And in reality, I control very little.

I often catch myself in this self-perpetuating cycle. And I know that it is such a tremendous waste of energy because it ultimately leads nowhere. It eats away at my imagination and saps my creative energy. It takes me out of the “here and now,” which is where I want to be spending most of my time. It is the opposite of trust, which is also where I want to be spending most, if not all of my time.

It also paralyses me into not acting. Easier to worry, than to actually do something about it, or so it might seem.

I have worried about just about everything you can imagine: what people think, money, career, health, my family, my friends, what could happen, what won’t happen…you name name it. And what has it really accomplished? Absolutely NOTHING! I’m still here, and the worst has not come to pass.

Small amounts I suppose may be helpful in that it can prepare me for certain situations, or help me figure out solutions to problems, but like anything else, too much is not helpful. And telling myself to stop worrying usually has the opposite effect (don’t think about pink elephants!).

Instead I will make a concerted effort to quiet the incessant chatter of my mind, to focus my energy on positive outcomes, to visualize what I would like to see happen and create thoughts that better serve me. I know this is a much healthier and more peaceful path. I just have to do it. I’ll let you know how it goes.

I will close with this wonderful quote from Leo Buscaglia which sums it up beautifully: “Worry never robs tomorrow of its sorrow. It only saps today of its joy.”