I have been struggling with meaning and purpose for awhile now. Leaving my old way of being in the world, but still not yet sure what the new version of me will look like. Searching for answers, or at least trying to become more comfortable in the “not” knowing. It’s a very hard being in this place, especially because everyone around me seems so certain of their path. People don’t know what to make of someone who is not sure.

Yesterday while on a quick dinner break from volunteeering at a local music festival I was joined by another volunteer, Deborah. She asked me what I do. You know, the usual polite, yet seemingly fluffy questions you ask when you meet someone for the first time. Or so I thought.

I gave her a short, honest synopsis of where I am. Basically that I do not know. Surprisingly honest because I usually don’t reveal this kind of depth so quickly. It took maybe all of two minutes for me to describe this.

And then she looked at me in a profound way–knowing, calm, and certain–and she said: “Jonathan, you are going to be OK. You need this time to heal. THAT is your purpose right now. And then you will know, and you will be OK.”

It was a very powerful and moving moment. How could anyone–let alone a complete stranger–have this kind of insight? And yet she did.

And I heard it, and somehow felt reassured.

I think maybe the universe heard me calling, and sent me a message.

Thank you Deborah.

If I am exactly where I am supposed to be, why do I feel I should be somewhere else? This has been running through my mind for months now (and perhaps even longer at the sub-conscious level). This incessant feeling that I am not enough, and that I should be doing something else (although I haven’t a clue what that should be). I feel anxious, stressed, on edge, and I struggle to be and remain in the moment. It isn’t every waking moment, but enough that I am very aware of it. And I hate it.

And so I came upon this blog by Les Floyd on Living in the Moment. Perfect (or divine?) timing! He describes it this way: “Acceptance of the moment allows you to shed the anxiety and negativity which your mind may wish to attach to and label that moment with. It allows you to move from a mentally constructed fabrication of virtual reality into actual reality…from thought into form. Life is an ongoing process of change, so accepting the moment doesn’t mean that things won’t change…it just means you won’t be beating yourself up, psychologically, while you’re moving through that change.”

I wonder if the lesson that I have such trouble assimilating is that Life WANTS to help me figure out who I really am, and who I am meant to be? That everything is happening just as it should, but my limited scope will not always allow me to see that. I suppose this must be an ongoing exercise in trust, faith, patience, and mindfulness, and learning to keep these top of “mind,” and top of “heart.” Resistance, as the saying goes, is futile.

Morning comes every day; the sunrise does not fail, nor the sunset.

Give it time. That is all that may be required. Just give it time. Do not try to push the river. The cycles of life present themselves, play themselves out, and make smooth every passage and terrain.

Try not to get caught up in your story of the moment. Look, rather, to the Long Story. Therein will be found your peace. The cycles will redeem this moment, if you let them, and even this shall pass.

–Neil Donald Walsch

“Once all the layers and imperfections concealing truth have been washed away, insight is boundless with little left to know.” I read this recently on the side of a beautiful hand-made vase. You never know where you might find inspiration. A beautiful thought, but is it really possible to get to this place once and for all, or is it the process itself that helps us see flashes of insight? What a glorious relief and release it would be to have that clarity of thought, of “knowing.”

What is it that defines me, and who will I become? Richard Rohr’s writings on this have resonated with me (but only recently…this would not have made any sense to me 5 or 10 years ago). He often talks about the two halves of life: the first half which is ego driven; the second half which is more about the search for meaning and the emergence of the real self. Kind of yin and yan-ish. Both are necessary as our spirit evolves; as we learn to become who we were meant to be. But for the second half to emerge, the “container of the first half has to die. You can substitute any word you like for “God” or “religion,” but the essence of his message remains clear I think. Below are his thoughts on the first half.

“Early-stage religion is largely driven by ego needs: the need to be right, the need to feel morally superior, the need to be safe, and the need to project a positive image to others. At that point, religion has little to do with any real search for God; it is almost entirely a search for oneself, which is necessary. But we do this by trying to repress and deny our actual motivations and goals. These are pushed into the unconscious and called the “shadow self.” The shadow is not the bad self, but simply the denied self, which is totally operative but allowed to work in secret—and never called to accountability from that hidden place.

Most people (not just religious people) focus on their shadow self—to keep “feeling good about themselves”—and their ego enjoys a perpetual holiday. It is a massive misplacement of spiritual attention. All your energy goes into denying and covering up your shadow—which then gets projected everywhere else.”

I pulled these words from a deck of pilgrim cards last night with my wife. They describe the death of the old, the birth of the new, and the sometimes painful process involved with letting go and letting in. The timing is serendipitous for me, but not a coincidence. I guess the message is one of patience and faith.

“On this high plateau, the road spins out into infinity. Off in the distance, brown earth meets a blue line of sky. As far as the eye can see, nothing seems to alter, and yet much that is hidden is changing.

Last night you looked up into the heavens, and it seemed as if the stars were swirling and shifting into new formations. Inside of you, your mindscape too is transforming.

Let the cosmos within and the lanscape outside reconstitute themselves. For at some level, this is what is happening. You and the world you walk through are being taken apart and re-formed.

The old has not yet died; the new has not yet come ito being. Be patient. Choose wisely.

We are all born with the potential of enormous power. Some of us use it to control, others use it to create. This hit me as my wife and I were chatting with Ginger (a potter) yesterday. She seemed completely transported as she described her love for pottery. Ginger described the act of being creative as when we’re closest to our soul and its destiny. Love the beauty that conjures up in my mind.

I often underestimate how my seemingly insignificant actions–positive and negative–can impact those around me and beyond. And the enormous ripple effect that can have. But deep down I know that we are all connected, that it is all about transfer and transmission of energy. The enormous power and potential of one to affect many.

I love this thought by Neil Donald Walsch “…that the tiniest gesture–a smile, a gentle look, a simple pat on the arm, a soft word–can change a person’s life. Before this very day is out, you are going to have a chance to live in that possibility. Look. Watch. See what this day brings you. And be ready.”